MAKING LIKE CAIN

Don't panic..

Don't panic! I have had to return to the UK to sort out some important business, and will (I hope) be returning to Thailand soon to update the blog.
This may be a good time to check out the archives?

Well all the stuff arrived in one piece, if not totally unscathed. Nearly everything had a scrape or a dent of some sort. Still I can repair or hide most of it!
I do have to say though my Index furniture looks a tad out of place in an Issan village hut, ha ha ha.

This is the piece of land on which I will be having 'Che Wilson' constructed. Its about 1 rai (1600 sq mtr's) This is plenty of space for the house to sit and still have ample room for a vast veggie plot.

It offers commanding views of beautiful countryside and rolling rice fields. Perfect for picking off the odd peasant or unsuspecting water buffalo.

I decided to only fill two thirds of the land as I thought a flat plain would be a bit boring, so now it has two levels. One no doubt to flood nicely in the rainy season!!

Whats the cost of all the labour I hear you cry? Well for the tractors, earth movers, levelers and diggy things, the complete total for was 30,000 baht or approx £440.
It worked out at 200 trucks of earth at 150 baht a truck or approx £2.23. Where could you get it any cheaper?

Now it has to be left for about 6 months to settle, before building can begin.
I intend to have built, an abode of about 180 sqm's. Consisting of 3x bedrooms, 2 x bathrooms, but still have plenty of time to make adjustments as it suits me.

Part 3 to follow...

The big move Part 1

Today is the day of the big move up north, and we have been up since 07:00 doing the final packing. Most of the furniture has been swathed in blue and white sheeting, (well worth it at about 750 baht for 30 metres). To minimise rubbing on the journey. We also purchased several large plastic tubs to hold the breakables. Its in the hands of the lord Buddha now?

Suddenly at 11:30 the usual quite of our home was punctuated by the rumble of a large truck, followed by the 'toot-toot' of a horn. The beast had arrived. I run outside and slid open the gate to allow its entrance.

It looked colourful enough, but was it up to the task? Great plumes of smoke pumped from its exhaust as it reversed to a stop and breathed its last.

All at once four fit looking Thai guys sprung into life, emerging from within canvas sheets, where they no doubt have been slumbering before the task ahead.

Our driver had been around two days earlier, and assured us that his truck was large enough to accommodate all our belongings. We shall see as I glanced around me dubiously.

Less than half our stuff was loaded and our man looked thoughtful as to whether it will all go on? I had already started to select stuff to leave behind as a last resort.

Every now and again he would point to something and say 'this go' when we replied yes, he would scratch his head and let out a desperate gasp. 'should have got a bigger truck' I mumble under my breath.

Now it was straining at the gunnel's, and we still had the patio furniture to go on, no way, I thought to myself it ain't all going to fit on, no way. However our optimistic driver kept barking out orders, and things would get shifted around, or rather shunted. I grimaced as the sound of wood on metal could be heard, followed by the ominous twang of something from deep within the pile!

Then the 'ace up his sleeve' was produced, the little tail gate that I had assumed would have to be bolted up could in fact be left down! thus giving a further 3 feet of space. My God this may be possible I thought to myself, come on son...

Thus legend was born, it was all on. I gave the crew around of applause and smiled at the driver through misty eyes. They in turn eyed me with amusement.

I say it was all on, but I lied. All but one item could be transported to the new promise land I had spoke about for so long. Sadly I had to take one of my plants to one side (pictured above) and break the news that it would have to be left behind, perhaps to fall on its own bamboo pole, who knows. Jeremy appeared to take it well, but I could sense a great hurt from deep within his foilage.

Then there was a great whooping and a hollering, canvas sheeting was wrapped around everything and they were off, amid more plumes of smoke. What condition will it arrive I thought to myself? What condition indeed.

Part 2 to follow...

Hardly a Davidson !

Is this the new harley sportster....?

Xmas turkey

Well it's Christmas day and where did I spend it? Well as you can see I was on the beach, lazing under the blazing sun. Just look at the smug grin I'm sporting, what a bastard....ha ha ha.
Thank god for the clone tool in photo-shop, very handy for the thinning scalp!
A very happy Xmas to you all...

Chiefly yellow

Its not unusual to see motorbikes over here in a terrible state, held together with no more than spit, Buddha string and a prayer, but I spotted this rather tidy example of an old Indian last week. It's obviously quite old, but none the less well cared for. Note the bicycle drinks cage on the handlebars, palm tree painting on the headlight shell and radio in the back pannier, just the think for blasting out those Issan tunes. Not sure I'd have chosen yellow though.....

Bob Monkhouse

Speaking as a drunk, I'd never be a monk! I would fail miserably trying to live a monastic life that's for sure. There was a report in the Bangkok Post last year that stated several monks were found on a covert night out, they were found dressed in trousers and shirts, creeping around Bangkok's seedier red light districts. Well lets face it even the most devout head rocker will find it hard not to crack sooner or later....

Shiny happy people

This rather dishy newscaster is surrounded by well meaning devotees carrying pictures of his Majesty, as she tries to address the cameras. They all jostle for position and a chance that their families might see them on TV.

Happy birthday

Its the 5th of December and I'm in Bangkok for the Kings birthday, trouble is so is every other bugger! Its as hot as the Devils bottom after a fiendishly hot curry, and empty cabs are as rare as a straight talking politician. Yellow shirts are the order of the day, turning Bangkok into a giant sunflower. Still everybody seems happy enough. I'm drinking water at a rate that would make a local council issue an immediate hose pipe ban, a couple of times I nearly drowned. I'm trying not to trample on sleeping Thais, and avoid having my eyes poked out by umbrellas. Every piece of available shade has been used up. Phew....

Flag of sorts

Me thinks this flag might be in need of replacement. The wind has reduced it to mere threads. But then again knowing the Thais it will serve faithfully for at least another 10 years....
On a more informative note did you know that there have been four official flags in Thailand the current one has been in use since 1917. Well now you do......

Eerie whoop....

Being within a genuine bona fide mangrove swamp is a hideously eerie affair. for one thing it is worryingly quite, you know things lurk within as you hear the occasional plop of water and loud whoop, but you never see anything. Peering into the dense tangle of branches you wonder where the hell they are and do they inflict pain. Almost certainly. There are big arsed web's all around, but no spiders in view, are they crawling up my back? Ugh....
Seriously though its a great experience, and if lucky enough to be given the chance, one not to be missed.

Wock & Woll

Never one to pass up the opportunity to see a good rock band, when a few of us happened across this group of rockers, we decided to stop. My girlfriend informed that they are a really big time wock band called 'BlackHead' (strange name) I kept on expecting the lead singer 'Poo' (another strange name) to explode in a fountain of yellow pus!
They weren't at all bad but when the bottles started flying, and heavily armed police moved in, we decided to head off. Shame as they had a really good sound...

Loy Krathong

Ladies, your best dresses please...

Loy Kratong is upon us once again. Its an evening of pomp and finery like no other. Above young ladies see old friends, and wait for their turn to join the procession.

Its a silk makers dream come true, there must have been hundreds of yards of the stuff, in every conceivable colour shape and design. A veritable feast on the eyes. Fantastic!!

I love this shot. I just caught her eye and she gave me a lovely smile. Its quite an honour to ride atop one of the floats. She must have been very proud.

I am not sure what the hell it says, but they weren't crying so it couldn't have been half bad...

Dragon Boats

Its the day of the great 'Dragon Boat' races.
(In Hua Hin anyway)

All the teams have been taken out of their box's and assembled. They are as ready as they will ever be. Young fit and eager to the point of no return, their bodies ripple with pride.
The boats sit waiting to be filled gently slapping in the still waters. Make no mistake these baby's tip over easy, you have to have the build of an Asian just to fit in one. I would sink one on my own were I ever tempted to venture twixt the gunnel's.

Its time for a damned good old fashion rousing sing song to boost team moral, but why the painted faces and lipstick?

Sweet lord we're off, paddle like the wind you buggers, for loosing means certain death at the hands of the 'you didn't try hard enough' Buddha!

Food chain

I happened upon this little drama whilst on the way to the beach the other day. It was a right old tussle, but to be honest I suspect the gecko never really stood a chance. I thought about stomping on them both, for I am higher in the food chain than they are, but decided to let nature take its course and take a photo instead...

Issan village life (part two)

Day 7 - I woke up especially early this morning as the mosquito's were feasting heartily on me, usually the fan would deter them but it was a tad chilly so Joy had turned it off.
Outside the kids had started to sing, what could it mean? rain on the way, a village coup?
Later in the day I went for a stroll and as usual was followed by a horde of children. I would turn round every now and again, screw my face up and run at them growling, they would flee like chickens at slaughter time, but after a few minuets would return again.
I noticed something moving at the side of the road and homed in to investigate, sweet baby Jesus it was a large black scorpion, I moved closer to it, and it reared up in a wanton act of aggression. Sod that I said to myself and backed off. It made my skin crawl just to look at it, and unusually I did not have my camera with me. So you will just have to take my word for it...
Could I really live up here with things like this wandering aimlessly around?

Day 8 - I realised today that I have not seen one single game of the Rugby world cup, this was unlike me as I'm an avid fan, but somehow it didn't seem to bother me.
Observation - Its funny looking at the youngsters walking around the village with T-shirts on emblazoned with slogans like, Playboy, Megadeath, and I'm a dirty bad girl. They have no idea what any of them say, ha ha ha.
In a fit of god knows what, I wander outside and and stupidly involve myself in a game of 'keepie uppie' with the kids. Within 5 minuets I am completely soaked in sweat. Back inside and shower again.
I wander outside and sit down to write my diary, a small baby looks up at me and gurgles, an adult swiftly walks over and gives it a whack on the backside. At the same time a bloody chicken decides to peck me on the toe, I let out an involuntary yelp and stand up, the adult whacks the kid again, as if its his fault. I decide its better to stay out of sight for the time being and retire gracefully to my shack.
18:00, veggies, rice and 2 large beers then to bed.

Day 9 - My trousers are becoming looser due to the fact I'm eating better and less food.
Very quite today as its Monday and all the small folk have gone to school. I may go to the local market today, then again I may not.
I generally have two good poos in the morning and can not venture out until this has been accomplished or serious trouble will occur. Due to the hot Issan food, when I feel the need I'd better take heed!
Ventured into Surin about noon and did some shopping. Its also a good time to break up some large notes, as you cant spend them in Sanom. The local shop keepers just give you a sort of pained, you must be joking look. Having a thousand bart note up here in the boondocks is akin to no money at all.

Day 10 - Up early as some very loud Thai music being played somewhere or other. All bangs, bells, and lots of weeeeing and whaaaaing. Some sort of big Buddha day tomorrow.
Its strange that these poor farmers don't have much money for food or clothes, but feel the need to spend what is obviously a load of cash on a sound system that has enough power to fill the Albert hall!
Saw Joy hanging out the washing and saunter over to give her a hand. This lasted about 1 minute as apparently I was using the wrong hangers or something? They all looked the same to me. Chickens grub....
I wander over to one of the village men, who immediately looks horrified. I ask in my most articulate English if he thought the current American fiscal problems would soon resolve itself? He promptly ran away, giving me worried looks over his shoulder as he went.... ha ha ha.

Day 11 - Its school sports day today and I have been invited. I'm looking forward to it.
On arrival all the kids were formed into lines of red, green, blue and yellow shirts. Drums and bells were then struck with alarming regularity and all the kids started marching around, many of them in the wrong direction. Teachers ran from under sun covers and rounded them up, beating them as they did. This went on for about an hour after which the serious business of the races began. After a few were run, Joy sat bolt upright and said go go go. Go where I asked, go there. Apparently I had been given the honour of presenting some of the medals to the race winners. I strode purposfully toward the winners podium. Each child was given a small medal attached to a ribbon. Gold for first, silver for second and bronze for third. I thought the medals were just tacky bits of paper, but later found out that they contained a small ammount of money.
The looks of pure terror on the kids faces as I approached them was so comical I had to laugh, this had the effect of making them look more terrified. I thought one small girl looked near to fainting as I lowered the medal over her head. All in all it was a great day.

Day 12 - There is a local village man who is obviously a bit simple, he just wanders around laughing to himself and staring at people. It suddenly occured to me that that was my usual pattern of events, ergo I am the village idiot!
Heading back to Hua Hin today, and I have to say that I will really miss it here, its so peaceful and tranquilic.
I'll let you into a secret, the picture at the top of this piece is a bit of land I aquired, and I will be building a house here early next year. Thats how much I like it here.....

This blog reviewed..

It's nice every now and again have your blogging exploits recognised. It was reviewed recently on problogreviews , where you can read what they thought of it. Or alternatively click on the picture to enlarge it....

Starched shirt

This group are about to head off to school, and found this young chaps rigid pose very amusing. Note all the girls have regulation short haircuts...

Issan village life (part one)

Whilst I was recently staying in a small Issan farmers village I decided to keep a diary, mostly to keep myself from going round the bend. In this post I have condensed this massive body of work to the salient points. Here is part one. Enjoy....

Day 1 - We arrived at Surin railway station after a long journey from Hua Hin via Bangkok, I had insisted on an air-con sleeper so the journey was at least more tolerable. We were picked up at the station by a family member and headed off on the 60kms journey north east to Sanom. As it had been raining the roads were wet, but this didn't seem to stop our young Thai driver from hitting speeds of around 130kms an hour. We rounded a corner (on the wrong side of the road for some reason) and missed two people on a motorbike by inches, I screamed and braced for impact, he just laughed! Sweet god what are these people on? We eventually arrived safely, and I contemplated kissing the ground papal style as I alighted from what was nearly my tomb.
The villagers gathered round to look at the stranger that had just arrived. Some said hello, some just stared. I launched with enthusiastic vim into my best Thai, and was met with glassy eyed looks. They speak a Thai/Lao dialect in this part of the country, said Joy, they will only understand you a little. Great I thought, I have spent years learning to master basic Thai and now I can't be understood.
It was 07:00 in the morning but I had noticed several villagers had started to drink 'Lao Khao' which is a lethal spirit that can eventually lead to blindness, I also noticed they were giving it to some of the kids! The rest of the day went smoothly enough, I kept noticing every now and again people staring at me from behind dense foliage or a grazing buffalo. It was most unnerving to say the least. Every time I turned around loads of local kids would scream and run. We were eventually in bed by 18:00, shattered. Day 1 was over and I was still alive....

Day 2 - I was rudely aroused from a deep slumber at 04:00 by a 3 inch cockroach that had decided to check out the inside of my boxer shorts, my scream alas also woke Joy up, who swiftly beat it to a pulp with her fist and told me to go back to sleep and not to worry. What, who was she kidding how many more of these bloody things were there? Eventually I drifted off again. To be woken up once more at 05:00 by the shrill cock-a-doodle-doo of the village cockerel.
I showered Thai style (bucket and sloosh) and wandered outside and to join the other villagers on their bamboo tables, clutching my humongous mug of coffee and an L & M cigarette. They stared at me with a look of terrified shock in their eyes. One by one they slunk away until eventually I was sitting on my own, what was all that about? I asked Joy and she said that they felt uncomfortable around me and also wanted to give me some space. I finished my coffee and wander back inside to spend a few hours listening to my ipod (thank god I decided to bring it) and read my book. How the hell was I going to fill the time each day?

Day 3 - I have noticed that all the cows and buffalo eye me with particular disdain, their ears and tails constantly flitting about in a form of bovine callanetics. Joy was busying herself by beating my smalls over a medium seized rock, I could almost hear them cry 'were from Marks and Spencer for gods sake, we don't deserve this'
I notice some children curiously look on as I scribble this entry in my diary. I think to myself that I'd like to read an Issan farmers diary of a two week stay in London....
Observation - For some strange reason it seems perfectly normal for various village adults to sporadically beat small kids about the body. Even if they have done nothing wrong. They don't seem to mind and never cry.

Day 4 - You would not believe how good a bowl of simple vegetables and rice can taste when washed down with a cold beer, sitting on a bamboo table under a house whilst a monsoon is lashing down. I feel totally at ease and strangely content. Eventually I finish my only meal of the day. Shortly I know the sweats will follow, for Issan food is as hot as hades.
The bloody flies wont go away, you can flail your arms about like a fit victim, but still the tenacious buggers keep coming.
I think I have invented a new noun - a grub of chickens (well I like it)
I am conscious of two things today. I appear to have started to talk to myself, and my pink Van Heusen shirt looks very out of place in a small Issan farmers village. (sporadic kid hitting occurs)
I notice the elder women are rolling a white paste up in leaves, I assume that is the beetle nut I have heard about and not cocaine! I spend the next 10 minuets studying a cows arse, why?
At 13:00 I decide to fart, I do and promptly shit myself, so spend the next 10 minuets discreetly washing my underpants. God its damned hot today.....

Day 5 - Walking between the palm trees I have decided is akin to playing Russian roulette, as every now and again one will fall with a giant thud, leaving itself embedded 3-4 inches in the ground. That said I gamely go on the odd jaunt and wait for the darkness to descend.
I have been seeing a really old looking lady skulking around the village, I always enjoy seeing her as when I speak to her she just cackles really loudly, its so funny. I found out today that she's only 55 years old! Maybe she's been round the clock and is in fact 155.
I spend the afternoon chasing the kids and teaching them some English games to play, like hop scotch and penny against the wall. I wish I had a bag of marbles....

Day 6 - Up at 06:00 and what a glorious morning it is. The kids are outside splitting nuts open with bloody great machetes, the chickens are grubbing about as usual. Eventually they get ready for school (the kids that is, not the chickens) and they wave to me as they walk up the lane to school, nice.
I am off to see some old Khmer ruins today, so should get some good pics for the blog. When we arrive there is a coach load of school kids already there, they are eager to practice their English and even offer us some food. I cant see school kids in the UK doing that, all you'd get is 'what the fuck are you looking at you fat cunt'
We walk back to the market to buy some vittles for tea, and arrive back in the village just in time to witness the end of a sporadic kid hitting session. I eat my veggies and rice with relish, consume two bottles of Leo beer, shower and hit the sack at 19:00....

(Part two to follow shortly)